“So in that recent play I was in there was this girl in the cast I liked, but she had a bf, so never pursued her…then over the summer she became single and we started chatting via fb pretty frequently, then texting…and I thought getting subtley flirty. Turns out she had never seen Labyrinth and it was showing at the open air movie thing so we made plans to watch together.
So…awkward bit number one: I found out she had never seen or heard of Labyrinth before because she is 19. For days I have been racking my brains over the moral dilemma for a 33 year old guy to date a 19 year old girl… I found peace with it, and last night we went to watch the movie…we meet on Granville and walk to Stanley Park and the conversation turned to this friend of hers who was at a party I was attending…when she explains to me that she was texting her friend telling her that I am cute, single and have a good job and that she should try to find me…WTF. Then she starts to tell me about how she’s an excellent wing woman and then when we are at the park, she starts telling me about this terrible date she had gone on the night before.
I would really like to know what it is i do to automatically get placed in Friend Zone category.”
Any suggestions for poor Chris, ladies?
"When I used to do crossfit the trainers gave everyone really cool nicknames like ‘T-Bone’ or ‘Crusher’. Mine was ‘Big Sloppy’."
“I got laid off from a vid game company…was on severance…Blast wanted me to start right away, but I managed to push back the start date a week so I could spend the rest of my severance…so I went on a super last minute vacation…like something out of a movie, one night at the bar I lock eyes with this one….instant mutual attraction kind of thing…do you think she spoke any english at all? Nope…did that stop our game of love…nope… It was a little awkward that the only compliments and conversation I could have with her was through her kind of ugly friend who acted as our translator as we walked along the beach at night. Needless to say…didn’t close that deal either.”
“If you want a funny russian story I should tell you about the time when Joel was crashing on my couch for a few weeks…there were these two russian chicks drinking wine in the apt building lobby. Joel decided we should pick them up and invite them upstairs to my place. All was going good…Joel took the brunette, I went with the blonde… Joel ends up leaving with the brunette to go to her place and have what I’m told was a marathon of crazy russian contortionist sex all night. The blonde I was with, apparently lived upstairs in my building…where her 4 year old son was sleeping…was willing to make out with me a bit, but would go no further cause she didn’t want to come across slutty.”
"…Embarrassing story of the year so far: I am going to be auditioning for Victor/Victoria and the director provided me with some sheet music of the character’s main song for me to prepare in advance which features a final lyric “is the girl I’m in love with a guy!”. I was standing alone at the bus stop and figured it was a good time to test if i could hit the final note. So I let her rip and then turned around proud that I hit the note to notice that two people that had silently approached the bus stop were standing behind me during my musical revelation…needless to say I haven’t made eye contact with anyone in 20 hours."
— Chris’ FB status today
Chris has decided he wants to get a ukelele. That should make the girls come a runnin’…
"I’m gonna masturbate thinking about all of you tonight!"
— wasted Chris as a cab whisked him away from our company Christmas party last year
One of Chris’ girlfriends a few years back was a “boisterous” Italian chick. She lived with her sister and their dogs. When Chris would stay over they would sleep on an inflatable mattress in the living room where the dogs would maul him in the morning. On work days he’d commute with them into work where his girlfriend and her sister would have full on screaming matches with each other the entire ride.